Thursday, January 22, 2009

Another Mike "The Middle Child" quote to live by...

"Where does life get all them lemons? And if they are so great, why is he always giving them away?"
- Mike "The Middle Child"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I died just a little inside...

First I want to apologize to Adora, who was kind enough to respond to my 01/02/08 post, regarding Peeves. I want to apologize because I must not have been very clear. I am a fan of "sticker stacking" as it were... I myself have been known to sticker stack on occasion, and it is not a sign of stupidity, simply a sign of laziness, which I fully support. Just to clarify, I did found a perfect example of the type of licence plate that does drive me nuts.
(see pictured picture)
I don't even know where to start. It pains me to think that this person qualifies for a drivers licence. There are even sticky marks where the stickers of old have since faded away! Do they make historic plates to be placed on really old licence plates? Who thinks its a good idea to actually cover up the numbers of your licence plate with the little stickers other then bank robbers hooligans? I will tell you... Someone who I just cannot be friends with, that's who. I am sorry shopper of Tempe Toyota. Its just not going to work out between us. This brief love affair we have shared as my wife snapped photos of your licence plate while driving down the road has come to an end.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Unborn Fetal Child

Today I received pictures of what is known as in some circles as a "fetus" or "substantial tax credit".
She will be my firstborn!

In spite of my parents cautioning me not to do so, and against my better judgement, I decided to reproduce.

Now I know what you are thinking... why would someone like myself, who has had such a terribly painful heartbreaking upbringing decide to bring a child in to the world?

Excellent question! And there are actually a lot of reasons...

For one, unless I have one kid, I will never have three kids. And I have to have three kids. If I don't have three kids, I will never have a middle child. If I didn't have a middle child, I will never have anyone to shower with praise. Nor will I have an oldest and youngest in which to, (in the words of Homer Simpson) mock and boo until my throat is soar.

Two, I hate yard work. Hate it! My dad used to make me trim the bougainvillea in the front yard with my bare hands. This he said would create within me a good sense of "stick-to-it-tive-ness." Anyway, ever since then I have despised yard work. Thus children.

Reason Three for having children is probably the most important. And financially smart.

I have three nephews, (soon to be five). And the oldest, back when he was only two was sitting with me on the couch while I played 360. As I bested my foes in a rousing game of Battlefield II the most amazing thing happened. He got up from the couch, went to the kitchen, and next thing I know he was standing in front of me with a beer.

"For me?" I asked, as a single tear fell from my eye.

He had noticed that my beer was low, gone to the fridge without even being asked, and took it upon himself to get me a new one. Wow, I thought to myself... If it can get beers, what else can it do? And that is when I decided to open a sweat shop in my basement.

(The middle nephew, look in his eyes, he is already as jaded as I am... poor kid. He will make an excellent addition to the factory.)

Friday, January 2, 2009

Peeves, Top Ten

My definition of a pet peeve is this

"something that other people do, that doesn't affect me in the least, yet I am extremely vexed by it. "(I know I am awesome for using the word Vex)

In no particular order...

1.) People do not remove or simply cover up old registration stickers on their licence plate.

This irritates me to no end. I see this and I immediately know that I could never be friends with this person. The idea that anyone, including an officer of the law cares to see that you have had your car regularly registered with the DMV since OCT79 with the exception of a small lapse in coverage in 98 is beyond me. This has gotten much better with the introduction of black and white stickers here in Arizona. Prior to this it was as if someone took a Mexican fiesta and mashed it on to the back of their licence plate! Come On!

2.) People who say Irregardless

This is not a word people, and I don't know how to stress that enough! The word is Regardless! For instance...

"Regardless of weather or not you are a nice person, I will not be your friend if you use this word."

I am not claiming to have the best grammar in the world, and in fact if my sister-in-law read this blog she could cut it to shreds... that being said, it just sounds dumb.

3.) Dudes in Skinny Jeans

Look, I get it, I look great in tiny little jeans too, and yes it is tempting. But please resist the urge. Unless you drive a tractor, ride a horse, or are a cop from Hawaii 50, just don't do it. To many Jr High emo kids decide to accentuate their bird like physique with jeans made for a girl. My body resembles that of a finally carved Greek statue, and not even I try to pull it off! Ugh...

4.) People who are chronically angry

Irregardless of whether you place multiple registration stickers on your car, use words that are not real, wear tiny little jeans that are in fact paper mache molded to fit the contour of your little tiny legs that has been painted blue to resemble jeans, or just one of those people who are irritated by all those things, lifes to short to spend it angry!

I want to see some Peeves in the comments section people!