Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Why I support the Swine Flu...

Maybe if wasn't called Swine Flu! Anyone think of that? What if it was called something cute like "the itchy sneezies" or "baconitus." At any rate, I decided to try to put a happy face on the swine flu so when it does come to Arizona, people wont be so worried about it. Knowing that my own artistic talents leave something to be desired, I have decided to turn to my brother.
But, with any good logo, comes the responsibility of an even better slogan. Something like, "Swine Flu, Not just for Mexico!" or "Swine Flu, when pigs cry..."

Any Ideas?!

Stay tuned for sweet Swine Flu Logos.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Parenting, and how to do it well...

Who decided it was a good idea to have fathers in the actual delivery room? I didn't vote for that! I mean come on now! Never have I appreciated so much an era when the men would smoke cigars in the waiting room over a glass of Johnny Walker, (red, I'm not made of money you know...) and wait for your wife to pretty herself up for you. Join the family after the baby is no longer covered in that white film of yogurty weirdness. My account of that day is as follows...

We arrived to the hospital at about 7am. I brought everything my father told me I would need. A pair of new shoelaces, a hollowed out avocado, and about 60ft of fishing line.

We were introduced to our doctor who was an older man who smelt of cheap champagne and women's perfume. His hands were cold to the touch... I felt bad for my baby's head. He led us to our first room. It was small, cramped, and I sensed it had seen its fair share of placenta. An eerie feeling to say the least.

"Where to the men wait?" I asked the nurse. She stared blankly at me for a few moments. " You know, cigar smoking, whiskey drinking... man room."

"Sir, there is no smoking the the hospital."

I chuckled to myself as I left to find the man room... "I can tell we will get along! no man room... ha! Let me know when its over!"

My wife said something as the door shut behind me. I think. I met my brother in the "waiting room." It would have to do for now. About an hour later a nurse came suddenly in to the room Kramer style and made us both jump.

"Mr. MiddleChild?"

"yes that's right"

"Your wife is starting to push!"

"Gross" I thought to myself... This cant be good. "I don't want the play by play, just a highlights sum up when its over!"

"I don't know, she seems pretty mad that your not in there!"

"Of course shes mad, I hear the whole ordeal is quite painful. Poor girl... and to have to do it all on her own. I told her to call a friend but she wouldn't listen."

Eventually, I decided to work my way back to the delivery room. The ground shook with the fury of a thousand Russian winters. I opened the door to my destiny slowly, trying to prepare myself for babestrosity (monstrosity + baby) I was about to see. My wife was obviously not enjoying herself or the miracle of afterbirth. I tried to explain to my wife that the crying isn't going to help anything and no one feels bad for her. Unfortunately my pep talk didn't help and I started to miss the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room.

Eventually, it was over. All my fears and concerns quickly dissipated when I looked in to the eyes of my little girl. I realized my life would never be the same.

So, I did the only thing I could do. I started to parent. And I have done such an amazing job, I have put together the following list as I have a number of friends who are about to have kids. This will help, trust me.

1. Set the child on the floor, and unwrap it from whatever blanket the nurses put it in. Make sure to expose the neck to establish your role as the dominant male figure. This is key, you need to instill fear. the kind of fear that says, "Most humans don't eat their young, but don't give me a reason."

2. Strategically set a bottle of formula and the aforementioned blanket on the other side of the room adjacent to the baby. Do not be an enabler. If they want to eat, they can do it themselves. If a cow can figure it out so fast, why not humans? You give them a freebie now they will be on you for the rest of your life.

3. Don't take no back talk.

4. Your wife's natural reaction will be to "baby" the baby. Do not allow this. Your right as a parent is to mess up your kid in your own special way. But don't take this responsibility lightly.

I hope this helps. My parents didn't have a lot of direction in their parenting (obviously), and look what happened to me.