Monday, February 28, 2011

"He who hits and runs away, lives to hit another day."

Like most siblings, my brother and I spent a lot of time fighting growing up. For the most part we got along. But a fight was known to happen here and there. When we did fight it was usually pretty simple. I was strategic about it. I'll admit my strategy was less than admirable, but you have to do what you have to do to survive. There is one secret I will pass on to all you kids out there with older brothers. Punch him when he least expects it. I mean when he really isn't expecting it. Don't bother to make a move during a fight, it's a waste of time. Wait until he steps out of the bathroom, or is taking his dish to the sink. It takes a big man to go for the sucker punch and not feel bad about it afterwards. Punch, then dash for the closest parent. The retreat is key, because when I entered the room my mom was in, I would kick on the tears. My mom's motherly instincts would kick in before she realized who was crying, and all she would see was me running scared, and an angry brother chasing me. "Don't hit your brother so hard," she would say.

My second strategy was run directly in to him, push him as hard as I could back into the wall, and then just punch as fast as I could into his gut. This worked surprisingly well, but only because I would do it out of nowhere. Do not try that one in a real fight.

And last, should you find yourself in a real fight, there are three tactics you can utilize to get through. I cannot take credit for these, they were taught to me by my best friend growing up. He had 5 older sisters and the estrogen flowed like fine wine in that house. He was a better retreater than I ever was.

1. Armadillo Defense: Curl up into a tight little ball on the ground. A fetal position, but on your knees. The key to success here is that you don't move. Hold this position for at least an hour after your opponent leaves the room, lest they be hiding around the corner. Beware, once they learn how to implement a kidney punch, it's pretty much over.

2. No Bones: Just make as if you have no bones. Fall limp to the ground as if you were a dead body. After all, no one wants to hit a dead body. That's gross.

3. Thumb Butt: This is the only offensive move you should use, and even then, its only if you have no choice. Wait until your opponent is getting up from trying to break you from your armadillo defence. When they are getting up off the floor, stiffen your thumb and strike. Only rule here is if you are going to implement this move, you have to yell "thumb butt!" when you do it. Just remember, once you yell "thumb butt," your committed. So act swiftly, and with great prejudice.

Good night, and good luck.

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