Monday, February 28, 2011

Defense from the enemy

My brother and I had a strong sense of pride of ownership growing up. We took our house and property very seriously. This manifested itself in many ways, the most notable of which was the protection of our grapefruit tree. The large grapefruit tree in our backyard was the best thing imaginable. We could climb up to the top and see for miles. This was our fortress. We could navigate that tree with our eyes closed.

One summer afternoon we found ourselves in the back yard and decided to partake of one of our favorite activities, "alley shopping." This consisted of Tony and I wandering down the alley behind our house looking for other people's discarded treasure. This day, we hit the motherload. We found about 350 sq ft of used carpet in convenient rolls. It occured to us what our domain had been missing. It was that cozy living room feeling you can only get from being able to dig your toes in carpet. We loaded the rolls in the back gate one by one, rolling them out underneath our tree. It was a thing of beauty. All we needed now was a recliner, a lamp, and a coffee table.

We began to learn an important lesson. The more stuff you have, the more protective over it you become. And with the addition of carpet to our already beautiful grapefruit tree, it became more and more obvious to us that we needed a line of defense. A way to watch after our property when we weren't there. What about when we were at school? Some neighbor kids could easily hop the wall and sit under our tree! Disgusting. The thought of some other neighborhood jerks enjoying our enviroment made us sick. The next logical step? Booby traps. I have outlined our efforts below for your reference in the protection of your wares.


1.) The Abyss: Dig a hole. A pretty good sized hole. Use the pocket knife your parents got your brother for christmas and sharpen some sticks at the bottom of the hole, cover with a thin layer of plastic and construction paper. Cover plastic and construction paper with leaves. Wait.

2.) The Brain Blaster: Find an arrow from the toy bow and arrow set that your parents bought your over-priviliged brother for Christmas. Balance it precariously atop the tree. Tie a string to it that extends down to the ground, easily bumped by a passerby. Test this one a few times to make sure it works. If done correctly, the arrow should fall straght down with enough velocity to dig in to the ground about six - eight inches. (It should be noted that dogs can set off this trap easily. Gizmo was a near miss. This did, however, confirm the effectiveness of the trap).

Manual Controlled. To be activated manually from a tactical position:

3.) Frondinator: For those of you who don't know, years back some genius decided to start planting palm trees in Arizona. Known to locals only as "The Devil Tree," they lack purpose all-together except for one thing. They are useful for home defense purposes. The palm frond of the palm tree is lined with tiny little thorns. Secure frond to a rope, thorn side out. Tie back to the tree, release as enemy approaches.

4.) Grapefruit Dump: This is pretty simple. Its just a box of old soggy/moldy grapefruit kept up in the tree. Should the enemy approach, dump box accordingly.

There you have it! All you need to know about home defense.

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